Starting From Scratch

house on lake bulldozed

I think someone died.

My daughter:”Did you see they tore the house down?  It’s just a big pile of rubble.”

My husband: “There was spray paint all over the walls. We’ll miss you so-and-so”

Someone died a few doors down from us.  The memory was so painful that the family had to tear the house down. I wonder why? Along with the pain…they also took down all the good memories with it. Maybe there weren’t any good memories in that house. Maybe it was all pain.  You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

What have you torn down in your life? Sometimes rebuilding is the only way to go.

I’m a proverbial bridge burner.  My fight or flight response is raw.  When I fight I tend to really really fight hard. But when it comes to flight, I burn the bridge down with blowtorches, gunpowder and lead. And then I throw poison into the river so there’s no chance of me ever coming back.  I’ve done this with jobs. I’ve done it with relationships.  Never once have I ever thought…”Damn I wish I hadn’t burnt that bridge.”  Sometimes I sabotage subconsciously. Truths that we hold in our subconscious always have a way of manifesting themselves. If we try and push them down further they will end up bubbling to the top sooner or later.

The neighbors definitely burnt a bridge when they took that dozer to the house.  Have you ever felt the need to start from scratch?  And what does it mean to start from scratch? I just Googled it.  Scratch was the starting line of any sport in the 18th century.  I think it’s a more appropriate definition that we call it ‘scratch’ because you are down so low that you have to scratch and claw your way back up.

I feel like I am doing that with this blog. I don’t necessarily feel low…but the things that excited me before just don’t seem to do it for me now.  I’m burnt out on fun. Is that even possible? Daryle Singletary wrote a song that says it isn’t.  I’ve been going..going…going for about a year and a half now. Traveling here. Eating there. I’m tired. Things were so tight for me from 2008-2011 that when I finally had the means to do what I wanted to do …I took it to excess. That seems to be a pattern with me.  I need to be more aware of that. Do you do that as well?  I think a lot of people do that.

Yesterday I wrote that goals are stupid.  Sometimes I think that people get so fixated on a goal and pursue it with such intensity because they are afraid that if they lose sight of that goal and pause for a moment and look around, they won’t like what they see. I’ve paused…and you know what? I like what I see. My home and my family. I want to see more of that.

I’m looking for meaning in my life. The only way to do that is to start from scratch.  It’s time to reinvent myself.  Time to decrease. Pair down some things until I get to what’s really important in my life. You are important to me. Thank you for reading.

8 Comments

  • Maria says:

    thank you for being real :) love ya!!! It’s all about finding that balance. I know exactly what you mean. :)

  • christopher sorrentino says:

    I have started from scratch twice in five years. The journey was awsome. The opportunity to rediscover yourself and see where you are going to land. Always remember its a journey not a destanation.

  • ShelleyJ says:

    Wow Amanda,
    It is totally awesome to see the true raw person that you are, there is no underlining to get to who you are. I too burn bridges, mine though are more with relationships, my husband ask me how can you just burn and go, for me it is more to the fact I have no time for things, people that do not bring positive in life. I also have been to that spot of not having means to do things and then when it did come, I to was flying here, there trying to have an experience that I thought or hoped would open a door to what I am actually trying to accomplish something, but after many travels I also got tired. That lead to scaling back time & efforts of things. It is hard to find that balance of my inner self but I just work on dealing with one day at a time,

  • Kristin bourgeois says:

    I love love love your honesty and openness. Regardless of what starting from scratch looks like for you, I know you’ll kick it in the ass because that’s what you do! :)

  • We truly were separated at birth…I can’t wait to see where this journey takes us…xoxox

  • Lynne says:

    You are sooo right about truths bubbling to the surface – it seems like we spend so much time trying to dunk them back under before we have to deal with them. Thanks for the thought provoking post – definitely gives me something to think about!

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